Third photo taken pre-cancer diagnosis but only 6 months before her passing.
Mother lies like an Etruscan noblewoman on the bed, arms crossed over her bosom. A little pot of pansies on the sill was a gift I brought months ago.
Somebody waters the plant, I suppose, now and then, but it is withering slowly like her breasts, once like sovereign orbs, now androgynous swells beneath her hands.
Her eyes open. I strain to remember what color they were, once. I watch as they stare into middle distance, the cogs clicking awkwardly as she registers:
the ceiling, her daughter, and, I imagine last of all, “I am still alive.” Their color, now a black translucency behind which all is hidden,
was once golden, a darker shade to match her youthful, cotton candy hair, now slicked in gray strands to her head. Somebody loves us all.
*Inspired by a poetry prompt from my son, Maggie Haas, during one or another poetry month in recent times. The prompt was to use a line from “Filling Station” by Elizabeth Bishop. I chose her last line, which is also mine: “Somebody loves us all.”
To say there has been “clamoring” for the second part of the Passport Office would be an overstatement. However, I am very gratified that several folks said they would prefer to see part 2 sooner rather than later. I’m not completely sure, but the day described in this chapter may be the most surreal of my life. Also, it was the first time I was faced directly, full-frontal, with Lee’s not-to-be-denied state of delusional mental illness. This day unfolded just a few months before her first arrest and hospitalization. Thank you for reading.
The scene: Boar’s Head Inn, Charlottesville, VA. (This picture is the right era, circa early 1980s.)
The Passport Office Part 2
Scene VI
In car heading south on Rt. 29.
LEE has her eyes closed and is leaning back against the headrest. Vanessa reaches for the stereo to turn the music back on.
STEREO (loud)
Love from the bottom to the top Turn like a—
Vanessa quickly reduces volume
STEREO (faint)
…wheel—(he’s alright) See for yourself (the Lord won’t mind) We’re gonna move (right now) Turn like a wheel inside a wheel
Scene VII
The car is pulled over on the side of the highway along with seven or eight other vehicles. Several State Troopers are issuing tickets. VANESSA has shut off the music again.
VANESSA
(Looking around.)
I don’t get it. Why did they stop us?
LEE
(Looks horrorstruck—her eyes are huge, mouth opening and closing around words she cannot muster. It looks as if she’s gasping for air. Suddenly, she pulls herself together. Making a decision, she opens her car door.)
VANESSA
(Reaching for her mother’s arm to pull her back)
No! Mother, you absolutely cannot get out of the car at a traffic stop!
LEE
(Looks at VANESSA over her shoulder and hisses)
We’ve done nothing wrong!
VANESSA
Don’t get out of this car! It’s totally not okay!
LEE
(Gets out of car)
Excuse me! (Imperiously,gesturing at nearby trooper)
Cars speed by on the highway just feet from the pulled-over cars and troopers. The neckline of LEE’s beige silk blouse flaps in the wind. She holds it closed with one hand and slants the other hand over her eyes to shield them from the lowering sun. The trooper sees her and walks briskly to her.
TROOPER
Ma’am, please, get back in your vehicle.
LEE
(Talking over him)
You need to let us go. We can’t be late.
TROOPER
Ma’am, get back in the car.
LEE
Why have you stopped us? And all these people?
TROOPER
We will get to you as soon as possible.
LEE
But we did nothing wrong!
TROOPER
(clearly exasperated)
You were driving in an HOV lane.
LEE
What is that?
TROOPER
Ma’am, please get back in your vehicle.
LEE
How can you pull us over for driving in a lane we don’t know about?
TROOPER
The HOV lanes are well marked, Ma’am. High occupancy lanes are for carpoolers during rush hour. A driver and at least two passengers to utilize this lane.
LEE
(Flicking her hand in the general direction of the highway)
That’s ridiculous.
TROOPER
Ma’am…
LEE
(Talking over him, voice pitched a bit high. VANESSA, in the car, hears the panic in her mother’s voice.)
If you don’t let us leave, it could well create an international incident. That is all I am permitted to say due to extremely intricate matters of state.
VANESSA
(In the car, slouches lower in her seat, exuding pure devastation.
TROOPER
Ma’am (he reaches for her arm to guide her back to the car)
LEE
(Flinches away from him and takes a step backwards)
No! Don’t touch me. (Pauses. The trooper looks briefly paralyzed.) You do not understand what is at stake. We cannot be late. My future husband—that’s all I can tell you at this moment—will be most displeased with you. He wants everything to go smoothly. Time is of the essence.
VANESSA
(Murmuring under her breath)
“Time is of the essence?” Oh God.
LEE
I don’t mean to be rude, but my daughter and I are leaving. You can’t stop us.
TROOPER
Ma’am, please do not do that. Of course we can stop you. A traffic ticket is not worth becoming a fugitive and having one of these officers go after you. (He bends to look into the car at VANESSA behind the wheel and addresses her) Young lady, do not drive away. Do you understand?
VANESSA
(Nods vigorously)
LEE glares at VANESSA and then at the TROOPER. She returns to the car, walking stiffly, her body reflecting equal parts rage and fear. VANESSA turns the music back on.
STEREO
God help us, help us to surmise
These slippery people help us understand
VANESSA and LEE sit in silence.
Scene VIII
VANESSA pulls the car gingerly into traffic. LEE holds the paper given to her by the trooper.
VANESSA
You know, I saw those signs saying HOV but I didn’t really pay attention. They must be new. At least we just got a warning.
LEE
(Looking anxiously out her window. Bites at a cuticle.)
Mm-hmm.
STEREO
No one here can recognize you Here is everything that you like
Feelings without explanations
Some things are hard to describe
The sound of a cigarette burning
A place where everything spins
And the sound inside your mind is playing all the time
You’re playing with a heart of steel…
LEE
(Softly)
Let’s turn the music off, shall we, Darling?
VANESSA snaps the off button and ejects the tape. She lifts one butt cheek and stuffs the tape into her back pocket.
Scene IX
VANESSA is pulling off Rt. X onto X. LEE has pulled her lipstick out of her purse. She applies a fresh coat of some tawny beige-pink color. Drops the tube into her bag and removes her new passport. In the light of the dash, VANESSA sees her mother run her fingers over it, riffle the pages, lift it to her nose.
VANESSA
Does it have a smell? The brand-new smell of government issue vinyl?
LEE
(Still muted)
Yes, it does, in fact. (After a pause, she goes on, in a much stronger voice, giving instructions.) I’ve been receiving last-minute information. (Turns to look at her daughter.) This is what we are to do. When we pull in at the Boar’s Head, drive directly to the pond. On that road there will be three sedans waiting. You are not to get out of the car. I’m to tell you quite specifically that only I am to get out, and only after the security guards have reached my door. You and I are to say our goodbyes in the car. Once I’m out, you must drive away. I asked when I can contact you and was told that within 48 hours you will receive a message. A phone call, I believe.
VANESSA is silent, staring ahead into the yellow path of the headlights.
LEE
Do you understand, Vanessa?
VANESSA
Yes.
LEE
Darling, don’t worry. It will be perfectly fine. You must trust me.
VANESSA glances at her mother. Golden halo of soft hair around a strong face, lit by orange dash lights. LEE does not turn her head to her daughter until VANESSA has returned her eyes to the road.
LEE
You have always trusted me, haven’t you. (This was not a question but a statement.) I am your momma after all.
VANESSA cannot speak.
Scene X
VANESSA drives, according to instructions, through the darkened campus of the Boar’s Head Inn towards the pond. As they get close, it is evident in the light from the headlamps that there are no cars waiting. VANESSA drives along the pond road and turns right at the next intersection, heading in the direction of the exit. She pulls over and stops. VANESSA gets out of the car and walks a few feet onto the grass. She bends in half, her head dangling lower than her knees, her hands touching the grass. After a minute she rights herself. She opens the car door and sits on the seat, feet still on the ground. She feels her mother’s touch, briefly, in the middle of her back. A few fingertips, there and gone in an instant. VANESSA turns, closes the door, puts the car in gear and starts to drive.
VANESSA
Sorry about that.
VANESSA glances at her mother who is looking out her window, hands folded in her lap. Nothing makes sense. There is nothing LEE could possibly do now that would seem like a logical response to everything that has happened. As she pulls out onto 250, VANESSA sees LEE put her fingers into her purse and lay them atop the new passport lying innocently on top of her wallet.
In a few minutes, VANESSA turns left, toward home. Neither woman speaks. VANESSA pulls into the semi-circular front driveway. She had remembered to turn the front light on this morning, so very long ago, before they left on their errand. When LEE gets out, she has just enough light to see clearly as she unlocks the front door. VANESSA reaches into the backseat for her sweater and follows her mother, who has already begun turning on the lights.
Welcome to the second post in SpiralWoman’s newly purposed blog. This installment is chronologically in approximately 1983, about 11 years before the Pick Up and Drop Off I last posted. It is the first part of a longer chapter that is written in script form. It came to me to write the scene this way, and I tried it. Thus far, reviews are mixed. Two people have read it. One was not sure and the other gave a thumbs up. Wait until the second installment next week before deciding what you think. For now, part 1, The Passport Office.
CAPTION: After a certain age, Lee was always conscious of how she was seen. Photos were hard for her because she could not help posing. It mattered so much to her to control perception of her. This became increasingly challenging as her mental illness worsened through from the late 1970s on. Descriptions of all photos can be found at bottom of this post.
THE PASSPORT OFFICE part 1
Scene I
The living room, early morning.
Vanessa enters, rubbing her eyes, and passes through to the kitchen. When she comes back in, her mother is emerging from the room she calls “The Study.”
LEE
There is something important we have to do today. Get dressed. I need you to go with me to DC. If you drive, I can run into the Passport Office and not have to worry about parking.
VANESSA
Why are you going to the Passport Office? (Gulps hot coffee. Spits it back into cup.)
LEE
I need an expedited passport. I had not realized that mine expired. Okay, time is short. Let’s go! (Stalks elegantly out of the room, towards the hallway leading to bedrooms.)
VANESSA stands still in her red and white striped PJs gazing after her mother.
LEE
(callingfrom offstage)
TIME IS SHORT.
VANESSA follows the sound of LEE’s voice.
Scene II
Northbound on 29 towards Washington DC.
VANESSA is driving her mother’s Honda.
LEE
(half turned toward her daughter)
I believe you know a little bit about the communication channel that has opened up in my brain. The last few weeks I’ve been receiving truly life altering, loving, and inspiring messages from the King of Burma. It seems he is a compassionate forward-thinking ruler who needs a strong, loving woman by his side to rule. He has chosen me.
VANESSA
(trying to quell rising panic)
Is this real?
LEE
(face animated with shock)
Darling, of course it’s real! I would never lie to you! What do you mean is it real?
VANESSA
You realize most people do not have direct brain-to-brain channels of communication. Why doesn’t he call you? Or write a letter?
LEE
(looking patient as she tries to explain)
Of course, most people don’t. But these last years I’ve been evolving to a higher plane, as I thought you knew and understood. We have not spoken directly about it much because I sense it upsets you. And you are busy with work, and DAN, and still getting healthy… (Takes a skinny brown cigarette out of her bag and lights up.)
VANESSA
Window please, Mother.
LEE
(opens window, blows out a plume of smoke)
And he can’t call or write. Security reasons. There’s danger if the wrong people get wind of the plan. That’s why we have to be so careful. Why we can’t tell a soul. He’s sending emissaries to pick me up this evening at the Boar’s Head Inn. When you get back to the house after, you may find press there. He warned me that might happen, though we hope not.
VANESSA
You didn’t pack anything.
LEE
I’m not to worry about any of that. Everything I need will be waiting for me when we land.
LEE gazes at the scenery, mostly more lanes of highway and the occasional massive building behind soundproofed walls. VANESSA drives, her mind gradually shutting down. She thinks about her boyfriend, DAN, and how she had to cancel their plans for the day. She thinks what an absurd way to spend her day off. She’d rather be sitting by a lake with DAN and a cooler.
Scene III
Honda Accord, VANESSA behind the wheel, LEE gone
VANESSA is driving in circles around the Washington DC neighborhood of the Passport Agency. It’s a chilly day in late March, too early for the cherry blossoms.
STEREO
(blasting song from Talking Heads “Speaking in Tongues” cassette)
Hold tight, wait till the party’s over Hold tight, we’re in for nasty weather…
VANESSA tries to turn onto 19th St. NW and three cars converge at the intersection, blocking her. Horns blare. She circles the block again and tries again, making it this time. Leans toward the windshield to check if her mother is standing out on the steps as arranged.
VANESSA
(singing along)
Burning down the house! (drums fingers on steering wheel in time to the music as she pulls away to circle again)
Scene IV
VANESSA pulls up in front of the Passport Agency and double parks.
STEREO
Ha! Takes over slowly But doesn’t last very long Ha ha ha ha no need to worry Everything’s under control
LEE descends the steps of the Passport Agency, already a queen, moving only her legs, upper body motionless. She could carry a book on her head and it would not budge. A car honks somewhere behind VANESSA, and another passing to her left.
VANESSA
(to herself)
Mother, is hurrying not an option now that you are the queen on deck?
LEE
(opens passenger door and flows into the seat like molten gold)
We need to be back at 1:00. (Checks her bracelet watch.)
VANESSA
What now?
LEE
Let’s find a park.
VANESSA
The Mall is nearby if we can find parking. I hope it’s not as jammed as this neighborhood.
All practicality now, LEE opens a map from her glove box and directs VANESSA. As if already a monarch with power over things not yet imagined, LEE manifests a parking place one block from the Mall.
VANESSA
(laughing as she parallel parks)
I drive around for an hour and a half and you get in the car and find a parking place in five minutes.
LEE
(grinning)
What can I say?
VANESSA
(laughing)
Take a bow.
LEE gestures broadly with her arms, accepting the imaginary applause of her audience, then laughs with genuine mirth. VANESSA spontaneously leans over and kisses her mother’s temple. They get out of the car and start walking.
Scene V
LEE and VANESSA approach an empty bench facing the reflecting pool. Each of them holds a paper-wrapped hot dog and a bottle of water. VANESSA sits. LEE puts her water bottle on the bench and eats standing up, leaning out at a 45-degree angle.
VANESSA
(biting her hotdog)
I never came to DC till I was in college.
LEE
You know better than talk with your mouth full.
VANESSA
(Grinning, mouth still full)
Sure do.
LEE
I wish we had come down here when you were a child. We could have taken the train and spent a weekend. I don’t know why we never did things like that.
VANESSA
You were working all the time.
LEE
Yes. My career was very important to me. And it will be again—when I’ve cleared my name.
VANESSA
What about the King of Burma? I thought queen was your next career.
LEE
Oh well that’s true. (Looks down at the top of VANESSA’s head.) I’ll miss you, you know. In time I hope we can arrange for you to come for a nice long visit.
VANESSA
(silent for several beats then…)
Mother, I shouldn’t have brought it up. Let’s just sit here and enjoy the fresh air. I’ll take you back to the passport office. You can do your thing. Then we’ll go home.
LEE
(Tosses her wrapper into a bin and wets her napkin from the water bottle. Wipes her mouth delicately and then her fingers.)
Whatever you want, Darling. I know this is hard. It’s a lot to take in.
To be continued …
The photos in this blog: posing in her majorette gear (1940s), posing in her bathing suit (1940s/50s?), posing with a riding helmet (1960s) performing at work in costume and posing on the deck of her home (1970s). Grandiosity was always part of her personality, but schizophrenia simply amplified that. After reading today’s post, you’ll understand that even her delusions were grandiose.
